The Oscar nominations have been announced and they’re all screwed up. Not that the nominees didn’t do a great job, I’m sure they did, but there are so many other categories that make a difference in my movie-going experience. Don’t worry, The Academy, I can provide you with a list of …
RELEVANT OSCAR CATEGORIES
Most Michael Keaton — Obviously Birdman wins this time around but there should be an annual award for whichever movie gives Keaton the most screen time.
Best Explosion to Necessary Explosion Ratio — Hey, I love watching stuff blow up but rarely do those blowings up matter to the story. Let’s see who can shrink that ratio the most.
Best Use of the Phrase “We’re in!” by Someone Playing a Computer Hacker — Lots of options. Every single hacker character says it.
Best Use of the Phrase “Don’t you GET IT?!” Preceding Expository Explanation — Again, plenty of candidates.
Most Egregious Product Placement — Hey, if we’re going to be crass anyway, let’s recognize achievements in crassness.
Most Peevish Kevin Costner Performance — I love Kevin but he always looks peevish in movies. Something’s always bugging him. Let’s lean in to that and see how peevish he can get. We could name the award after Gene Hackman if you want.
Best Performance by a Dog in Sunglasses — It’s always hilarious! A dog?! Wearing SUNGLASSES?! Come on! We need more of that.
Best Performance by a Child in Sunglasses –- See above. Bonus points if “Bad to the Bone” or “Oh Yeah” is playing.
Best Expository Speech by a Baddie — With the rash of superhero movies lately, we’ve had a lot of supervillains, and they always need to explain their motivations and life stories.
Most Cliches Avoided — Award to movie that features the most fruit carts left intact, fancy cars unharmed, sheets of glass toted safely across a street, or people told to stay in a car who actually do.
OK! Hollywood solved!
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