Suggestions for Speeding Up NFL Games

January 15, 2015

I’ll be watching football this weekend and psychically willing my team to win. Don’t worry, the special sweatshirt I have that determines the outcome has been located. While I love football, I find the 3.5 hour experience to be a little draining. I have some ideas.

      • No timeouts.
      • Clock goes twice as fast if anyone attempts a timeout.
      • Eliminate out-of-bounds time stoppage by installing 3-foot-high electric fence. Not impossible to get out, but more difficult.
      • Instant replay process replaced by all players recreating actual play, as the clock runs.
      • No getting injured. Really inconveniences everyone when the whole game has to stop for that. Just be careful, guys. Don’t get hurt.
      • No commercial breaks. Instead, players will drink Bud Light or drive new cars in the huddle while the clock runs.
      • Halftime is two minutes long. Players don’t go to locker rooms but instead take naps on the field, pre-school style.
      • Instead of penalties, other team just gets to do it right back. You got held? Fine. You can hold on the next play. Clock runs.
      • To avoid time stoppage on incomplete passes, defensive backs must be seated while receiver tries to catch the ball.
      • Something with time machines.

OK, NFL! Hope this helps!

John


Friends of Wits Doing Stuff

Paget Brewster (@pagetpaget) will make her debut as a cast member of Community when the show returns for its sixth season on March 17. Reminder: the show is now on your computer, not NBC. Which can also be on your computer, but you get what we mean.

In other computer show news, Ellie Kemper‘s new show, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, premieres on Netflix in March as well. She spoke with USA Today about having Tina Fey, who is writing and executive producing the program, as a boss.

Kemper’s former Office co-star, Ed Helms (@edhelms), will be hosting a bluegrass stage at the 2015 Bonnaroo music festival for the second time.

Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) also has a new show coming out (Catastrophe, on the UK’s Channel 4) and is touring America in the spring.


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