You Must Remember This often contains wild tales from Hollywood’s colorful past, so much so that it can become difficult to keep track of all the sordid details while you listen to it and pretend to be working, parenting, paying attention to the road, etc. Now, there’s help. As you listen to Star Wars Episode VI: Marlene Dietrich, this handy Sordidness Tracker will help you follow who was doing what to whom.
Chronic finger injuries: One.
Marriages: Just one! Fifty-three years!
Were those fifty-three monogamous years: Oh hell no.
Affairs: Oodles, regardless of gender. (Names of note: Joe Kennedy, Douglas Fairbanks, Jimmy Stewart.)
Does Karina Longworth imitate Jimmy Stewart: Yes.
Does Karina Longworth imitate Marlene Dietrich: Yes.
Is it better than her Dustin Hoffman impression: No. But it’s good.
Does it remind you of Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles: Yes.
Strip teases done in a gorilla costume: One.
Howard Hughes, havin’ sex: No.
Aborted plans to seduce the King of England: One.
Aborted plans to seduce and murder Adolf Hitler: One.
Strings of artistically interesting flops: One.
Does Karina strongly recommend A Foreign Affair: Yes.
Outbreaks of crabs: One.
Are wet towels used to ward off rats: Yes.
Does that work: I have no idea, and have no interest in finding out.
Pistols awarded by General George S. Patton: One.
Also mentioned: Joseph Goebbels, the FBI’s report on Marlene Dietrich’s sexual appetite, the horrors of World Wars I and II, “Operation: Screw King Edward.”