The sun is out, the weather is warmer, and the performance-enhancing drugs are in full bloom. It’s baseball season! My predictions for who will come out on top as well as middle and bottom. Who will come out on bottom. No one ever says that. I just did. Onward:
Seattle Mariners – Because we live in a fair world where my patience will be rewarded.
Oakland A’s – I’ve had A’s closer Sean Doolittle on my podcast before (most recently on this episode of Home Dunk) and I like him. So they’ll do well.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim from Oxnard – I’d rank them higher but their best player is a trout.
Houston Astros – They are a baseball team.
Texas Rangers – If Yu Darvish skipped Tommy John surgery and had Elton John surgery, he’d be playing piano by mid-season.
Detroit Tigers – Actual tigers. Can’t play baseball but kill and eat opponents.
Minnesota Timberwolves – I project they will switch sports with the Cleveland Indians and do pretty well. Better than in basketball.
Chicago White Sox – George Takei told me he prefers black socks over white. So.
Kansas City Royals – Last year’s success will prove to have been a weird dream brought on by bad clams.
Minnesota Twins – Have accidentally locked themselves in a fridge.
Boston Red Sox – Signed all the free agents in the off-season. Have 300 guys on roster right now.
Baltimore Orioles – They are also a baseball team.
Toronto Blue Jays – Would do better but are ashamed of real blue jays, who are the jerks of the bird world.
Tampa Bay Rays – Continue to be punished by Satan for dropping “Devil” from their name.
New York Yankees – Booooo!
Los Angeles Dodgers – Dodgers pitcher Brett Anderson follows me on Twitter so I like this team to go far.
San Diego Padres – No one knows who is on the Padres. That makes them dangerous.
Colorado Rockies – Not a real baseball team.
Arizona Diamondbacks – Being in Arizona, all their games are technically spring training so they are disqualified.
San Francisco Giants – Since this is not an even-numbered year, the Giants will struggle.
Pittsburgh Pirates – I always liked the idea of pirates who had no ocean to sail on. River pirates? I guess. First place!
Cincinnati Reds – Once the new guys learn to spell Cincinnati, they’ll be able to focus on baseball.
Milwaukee Brewers – A team named after those guys who want you to sample their horrible homemade beer.
St. Louis Cardinals – Everyone says they have the greatest fans in baseball, referring to fans who thought Mark McGwire just worked out a lot.
Chicago Cubs – Wits writer/performer Mike Fotis is from Chicago and deserves to be happy. He won’t be.
Washington Nationals – It’s the National League so this team is required by law to win.
New York Mets – Jenrry Mejia plays for this team. That’s a great name.
Atlanta Braves – Does Greg Maddux still play for them? If so, they’ll do well.
Philadelphia Phillies – Is this team’s name short for Philadelphia Philadelphias? Or Philadelphia Lady Horses? Regardless: 4th place.
Miami Marlins – Once the Florida Marlins escape captivity, they’re going to be mad at the Miami Marlins.
AL wild card – A’s over Timberwolves
ALDS – Tigers over A’s
ALDS – Mariners over Red Sox
ALCS – Mariners over Tigers
NL wild card – Padres over Reds
NLDS – Nationals over Padres
NLDS – Dodgers over Pirates
NLCS – Nationals (because again, they are the Nationals and it’s the National League) over Dodgers
World Series – Mariners over Nationals
Play ball! Or so!
Friends of Wits Doing Stuff
Bobcat Goldthwait (@bcgoldthwait) had some thoughts on a possible reboot of the Police Academy series. Goldthwait appeared in three of those movies (Their First Assignment, Back in Training, and Citizens on Patrol, if you’re keeping score at home). Apologies for linking by proxy to a TMZ clip.
David Cross and Bob Odenkirk are reuniting for a sketch comedy show on Netflix. If you are not familiar with their work on Mr. Show, here is a good primer. Also of note: 17 more episodes of Arrested Development are allegedly coming, which may mean more of Cross’ Dr. Tobias Fünke.
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