You Must Remember This often contains wild tales from Hollywood’s colorful past, so much so that it can become difficult to keep track of all the sordid details while you listen to it and pretend to be working, parenting, paying attention to the road, etc. Now, there’s help. As you listen to Star Wars Episode XVI: Van Johnson, this handy Sordidness Tracker will help you follow who was doing what to whom.
Cold, humorless Swedes: One.
Absent mothers: One.
Tipsy Judy Garland: Yes.
Adult bodies, bulky and substantial: Yes.
Dinners at Joan Crawford’s place: One.
Horrific car accidents: One.
Metal plates in skulls that prevent military service: One.
Jurisdictional conflicts between Los Angeles and Culver City, ambulance-related: One.
Does Karina Longworth imitate Van Johnson: Yes.
Does she imitate anyone else: Karina gives Rich Little a run for his money on this one: Louella Parsons, Louis B. Mayer, a Los Angeles Times reporter, Eve Abbott, and a Sacramento cashier.
Are they better than her Dustin Hoffman impression: No. (It’s at the 9:40 mark.)
Rich Little? Really?: Yeah, should’ve gone with Fred Travalena.
Howard Hughes, havin’ sex: Howard Hughes does not have sex in this episode.
J. Edgar Hoover, bein’ a dink: Hoover is not a dink in this episode.
Teenage girls, stampeding: Yes.
Baked goods, homemade: Yes.
Masculinity compared to a briar pipe for some reason: Yes. Metaphors were different in Hollywood’s Golden Age.
Automobiles repainted due to lipstick residue: Multiple.
Sex had at YMCA: Yes.
Murders committed by male hustlers: One.
Marriages that just sound insanely complex, tortured, etc.: Oh yeah.
Also mentioned: Chorus boys, Desi Arnaz, Gypsy Rose Lee.