Spring is here and with it comes an onslaught of critters inside and outside my house. I am prepared.
Bunnies – Keep looking cute and I will forgive your destruction of all gardening attempts. Actually, keeping me out of gardening is also a nice service. I win either way.
Squirrels – Never gather in groups of more than two and I won’t chase you with a rake, convinced that you are plotting a coup.
Ants – Do that swarming around in a big wiggly pile thing OUTSIDE and we’re totally cool, dudes.
Spiders – Just stay out of the shower during the actual time I’m using it. I feel like I’m being very reasonable here.
Neighbors’ cats – Don’t intimidate my neurotic dog and I won’t have to half-heartedly chase you away in shame.
Dog – Don’t bark when there’s no reason to and I’ll refrain from insulting your intelligence. You break this agreement daily.
Neighbors’ dogs – Lumber through my yard all dopey and ebullient but make your way home soon so I don’t have to catch you.
Squirrels again – Don’t stare at me in that fearless vacant gaze and I won’t get freaked out by you.
Mice – I can put up with seeing one of you per year in the garage. Thank you for honoring this over the past seven years.
Cardinals – Stop loudly looking for mates at 5 in the morning and I’ll stop bad-mouthing you to my friends.
Guinea Pigs – Stay within your low-fenced enclosure in the backyard, where I take you on sunny days, and I will keep an eye out for hawks, barely.
Fruit Flies – Die. You are bad at this.
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