Tacit agreements I have made or wish to make with wildlife on my property

May 12, 2015

Spring is here and with it comes an onslaught of critters inside and outside my house. I am prepared.

Bunnies – Keep looking cute and I will forgive your destruction of all gardening attempts. Actually, keeping me out of gardening is also a nice service. I win either way.

Squirrels – Never gather in groups of more than two and I won’t chase you with a rake, convinced that you are plotting a coup.

Ants – Do that swarming around in a big wiggly pile thing OUTSIDE and we’re totally cool, dudes.

Spiders – Just stay out of the shower during the actual time I’m using it. I feel like I’m being very reasonable here.

Neighbors’ cats – Don’t intimidate my neurotic dog and I won’t have to half-heartedly chase you away in shame.

Dog – Don’t bark when there’s no reason to and I’ll refrain from insulting your intelligence. You break this agreement daily.

Neighbors’ dogs – Lumber through my yard all dopey and ebullient but make your way home soon so I don’t have to catch you.

Squirrels again – Don’t stare at me in that fearless vacant gaze and I won’t get freaked out by you.

Mice – I can put up with seeing one of you per year in the garage. Thank you for honoring this over the past seven years.

Cardinals – Stop loudly looking for mates at 5 in the morning and I’ll stop bad-mouthing you to my friends.

Guinea Pigs – Stay within your low-fenced enclosure in the backyard, where I take you on sunny days, and I will keep an eye out for hawks, barely.

Fruit Flies – Die. You are bad at this.

Friends of Wits Doing Stuff

Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) was one of the jurors in Amy Schumer’s brilliant, impossibly vulgar send-up of 12 Angry Men.

If you missed Brandi Carlile (@brandicarlile) singing the folk standard “Keep on the Sunny Side” with the Avett Brothers on Letterman, here’s your chance to catch up.


Marc Maron (@marcmaron) was on the Today Show to promote the third season of IFC’s Maron, which premieres next week. He also talked about cats and neuroses, because of course he did.

Andy Richter (@andyrichter) contributed his formidable sideman talents to this funny bit of cutting room floor material from Late Night with Conan O’Brien.

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