America’s less popular tourist destinations

June 3, 2015

Summer’s here and you can eat all the mosquitoes you want. If you’re traveling on vacation and want to visit somewhere a little less crowded, I can help you with that.


The Hall of Secretaries of Commerce (Washington, D.C.) – They’re all here and all in animatronic form! From William Redfield to Penny Pritzker, they’ll haunt your dreams! Free parking.

The Schwimming Pool (Naples, Fla.) – This 30-acre water park is a tribute to and designed by actor David Schwimmer. Do you dare slide down The Pallbearer, a waterslide named after Schwim’s 1996 movie? Schwim is on duty as a lifeguard 24 hours a day, which is grimly fascinating.

Stupid Dog of Mystery (St. Joseph, Missouri) – No one knows why Sparkles just sits in that field all day long looking at that rock. Part of is that, as his owners point out, he’s real stupid. But what if he knows more? Open whenever Sparkles feels like it.

Egg Town (Medford, Ore.) – Come see a whole village made of hollowed out egg shells! Municipal building, churches, schools, a business district. Inevitably someone destroys the town by tripping and falling. Or there’s a storm and it all breaks. So see it opening day before the three-year rebuilding happens!

Spooky Mall (any mall) – Wait until the mall closes and all the lights are turned off. Then you get a free night in Spooky Mall! Note: requires hiding in restrooms or storage locker around closing time.

MegaYoko (Utah salt flats) – Sort of like Burning Man except people put together a 50-foot-tall Yoko Ono statue out of wood and fiberglass and we don’t light it on fire and there’s usually just me and hey where are you going.

Kurt Thomas Adventure (wherever Kurt is) – The hard-nosed big man played 17 seasons in the NBA. What’s he up to now? I don’t know. Go find him and ask him. Maybe you could hang out. He seems cool. Kurt Thomas Adventure!

Cable On-Hold Hall of Fame (Denver, Col.) – We’ve all had to be on hold with the cable company. Sometimes five minutes. Sometimes twenty. At the CO-HHoF, see shrines to the legends of the game, some of whom waited for eight years before being accidentally disconnected.
Enjoy your vacation!


Friends of Wits Doing Stuff

Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) spoke with Vulture about the Sandman miniseries he’s working on and his thoughts on the original series that is now 25 years old.

Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) has a new podcast called How To Be Amazing with Michael Ian Black, which stands to reason. The first four episodes are available on iTunes and elsewhere.

We don’t know if anything can prepare you for Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) and Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) as Carson Daly and Mariah Carey, respectively, in this clip from Scheer’s “Scheer-R-L” parody series.

John Roderick (@johnroderick) is now the subject of “Ex-cop vs. rocker” headlines, thanks to his Seattle City Council candidacy. He’s the rocker, just to be clear.

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