Bunker Down

November 11, 2016

The following paragraphs are excerpted from the secret diary of Andrew Walsh. This entry was dated November 2nd, 2020. It was presented at the Public Radio Program Directors Conference in New San Diego on February 33rd, 2055. Mr. Walsh was not in attendance.

Wow. Here we are again. I can’t believe tomorrow is already election day! Sadly, it will be the first presidential election I’ll have to skip. (As you know, the Ministry of Elections confiscated my voter ID card after the Inspectors found an old copy of the New Yorker under my bed. They didn’t believe me when I explained that I only read the cartoons. And sometimes Shouts & Murmurs.)

I do miss my right to vote, but honestly, the past four years haven’t been as bad as I thought they would be when Donald Trump was first elected.

For starters, I love my bunker. It’s not much (Luke’s bunker has nicer chairs and a fake window that I love, but it also floods a lot.) But mine really feels like home. And since the Hallmark Channel remains one of the few non-government run TV stations available, I still have plenty of “Murder, She Wrote” to keep me company. (It’s still good, even after the censors cut out the dirty stuff.)

Genevieve misses throwing parties, but I understand why the government doesn’t want more than two registered Democrats gathering in the same place at the same time. That’s how trouble starts. So, it’s just me, her, and the cats here. We had to register both Theodore Murray and Professor Bananas as Libertarians so that our family wouldn’t get split-up. Turns out, Theo was always a Libertarian anyway, which — when I think about it — isn’t very surprising.

I am also still lucky enough to do TBTL everyday. I was worried when congress cut off all funding to public broadcasting. But the Eights of Listeners have remained loyal, and we had a very successful TBTL-a-Thon last year. I think offering tracking-chip removal kits as a thank-you gift was a good idea, and the listeners really responded by donating thousands of Freedom Credits.

I assume we’ll be shut down eventually, but for now it’s nice to know people still are interested in hearing us discuss everything from Secretary Quaid’s latest escapades to Luke’s new hair tattoo.

Ooops – I should wrap this now. Closing arguments in the Rosie O’Donnell trial are about to begin, and then I have to head over to Trump University for my de-education class.

I’ll check back in tomorrow after the election results come in. I assume Trump will win. Polls have him double-digits ahead of the Geico gecko. And honestly, I just don’t know if America is ready for a lizard president.


I don’t really know that I can top what Andrew just did above, although I am thrilled that Future Dystopian Andrew has found some vestigial way to attach himself to the PRPD.

So, it’s been a week, huh? I’ve nothing to add to all that’s been written and podcarted, and am just going to say thanks to Luke, Andrew, and the Tens. You’ve all provided something like a catharsis, both on the show and online, that I personally needed.

Yes, I’m being sincere. I know, it’s weird for me, too. Back to jokes and gentle teasing of Andrew’s dairy fear and “paint your bald spot” references next week. We’ll get there together. Until then, hold on to this quote: “We’re strongest in the barking places.” –Ernest Hemingwoof

(This is the best joke I will ever write.)

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